he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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