I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
