If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize