Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
