it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
