the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
