she woke up with a sticky ear
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
