If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
