When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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