So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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