I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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