I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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