it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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