dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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