Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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