apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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