I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
