Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm like, not good at living.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize