I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
