i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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