Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
