I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize