Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
