I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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