i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
