Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
