I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
