My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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