tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
