I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize