The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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