I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Enjoy the penises
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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