i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
