I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
