The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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