someone get that fucking seahorse.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
