How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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