I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
