i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
