i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
