Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
