Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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