WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize