I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
