I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
