I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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