So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Randomize
