so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
