I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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