did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
