ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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