how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
