If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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