did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
