Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
